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| we must be willing to traverse the darkness.
I remember when coloring, playing in the mud & watching Saturday morning cartoons were the most laborious tasks I had to endure. Nothing, otherwise, seemed to matter... or had to matter, really. Everything was taken at face value-- through your eyes, the eyes of a child...
Life, it seems, isn't quite like that once you reach adulthood. That's not to say that life isn't marvelous once you've reached that moment, but things are just inherently more complicated. You have to worry about making ends meet, bills, possibly children & a mortgage, finding steady employment, and so many other things.
And in order to understand how to achieve all these things, we must be willing to travel through the unknown. To be satisfied with wondering how all these things will ever get done properly... without fearing imminent demise.
But what happens when the journey has simply worn you out? What happens when you've come to accept the truth... to know in which direction you must take your life, and you simply can't ?
...not for lack of want, mind you, but because you are otherwise trapped in a pattern. I'm constantly feeling this way about living here and pursuing an advanced degree. There is no question that I want these things, but I've been feeling so much more want towards renting (and one day owning) my own place, having children, working a meaningful job that actually has some beneficial impact on others, pursuing hobbies and volunteer work, and everything else.
I'm tired of trying to prove that I have the capability to teach and perform research well. I know I can do these things well; I have demonstrated that before... I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in someone else's house. Nobody (at age 25) should be living out of one room (a la dorm style) unless they do not have the means to do so. And why shouldn't we have the means to do so? I shouldn't have to worry about the money I'll spend if I have to go visit the doctor. If I need groceries. If I (heaven forbid) want to splurge and buy something for myself or someone else...
I'm frustrated.
Am I the only one?
What do you do when you feel you have traveled that path of uncertainty.. of darkness, only to find that that which you seek is still just out of your grasp? | | |
| After Hell's Kitchen came to a close, marking one of the craziest show openers I've seen yet, I left the TV tuned into Fox and became intrigued by the premiere of "More to Love."
I should have realized immediately that I couldn't expect much from a reality TV show on Fox that had anything to do with finding romance, love, and marriage. But I thought "hey, why not give this a chance." It was nice to see some attention being given to real people instead of people who should be diagnosed with eating disorders.
...
I walked away from the show with a complex.
I kid you not.
If there is anything I hate in this world, it is the need to seek approval/acceptance from external sources. And, when all the dust settled, that's really what these girls were doing. In the end, it was still the man who got to choose who he wanted to stay and who had to go home. Again, beauty (or lack thereof) was validated, and I'm sure those who went home went home feeling worthless and ugly.
That's sad. ...not in a "I pity them" kind of way, but genuinely sad. We all know that labels and stereotypes are a societal artifact, but what the hell is wrong with us? Sure labeling makes things simpler, and we all know that ultimately this is what we desire, but it comes at the cost of stratifying people into unsightly categories and misnomers.
What would society look like without labels, imaging, and stereotypes? Why does there need to be a show focusing on "fat" people? I mean, these are people too. And it's not like they have no personality, are uneducated, ugly and the whatnot. No. But inevitably they fall to the wayside in a time when being a size zero is sexy.
My question is this: If you took the "ugliest" female on Earth and made her a size zero, would she be sexy too?
Be honest.
Maybe it's time we reevaluate our standards and definitions of things. Then maybe 50% of all marriages wouldn't end in divorce, people wouldn't kill themselves or others, and we wouldn't be so obsessed about being the best. We might realize that, in the game of life, maybe there's always something more to love...
~J
EDIT: If you haven't seen the premiere, check it out here http://www.hulu.com/watch/85938/more-to-love-episode-1#s-p1-so-i0 | | |
| Really? Is this the end of the "loving family" with eight terrorizing, but still wonderful, children?
I've never watched the show myself; I suppose it never really appealed to me. But this is horrible-- this serves only to reinforce the notion that marriage is an institution people seem to take for granted. He claims, or so I've heard, that he wants to live out his life... that he never had a chance to do all those "20-something" things everyone else did.
Maybe you should have thought of this before deciding to get married and have children...
Truthfully, I'm willing to bet that this is him approaching a mid-life crisis. He needs to buy a motorcycle, grow a ponytail, and do whatever else men going through mid-life crises do, and move on. He will stay because of the children, but I've always wondered about that too...
Of course, no one wants to put their children in jeopardy. But is it worse to be a truly dysfunctional household where neither you or your (ex)-spouse are agreeable on anything? Are you doing more harm by trying to simulate a situation that, probably, is simply non-realistic? And, if so, how will this impact your children?
While divorce should be available to those who do, truly, need it (ex. people who unknowingly marry abusive spouses, etc.), it should not be an easy ticket to reliving those golden years or simply to escape the pressures of (married) life.
What do ya'll think? | | |
| “Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams... Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
I saw these quotes by Ashley Smith and Maria Robinson, respectively, as I was sifting through random quotes and realized that this captured my sentiments perfectly.
You know how the clouds and the sky turn just before darkness completely sets in, but after the sun has mostly set-- that kind of purplish blue or blue-black color that makes you think of rain or (perhaps this is just me) looking out over the ocean. It's so soothing, so completely peaceful. It is the perfect balance between what was and what is about to come.
Life is so very much like that. You never truly forget what came first or what memories you hold, and you know that, if need be, you can always recall them, but there is always the darkness-- the uncertainty-- looming in the not-so-distant future. And just like the darkness, those future thoughts, memories or events aren't truly tangible. You might be able to "see it coming," but you can't truly and fully have a grasp on it.
This, much like the dark, tends to frighten.
Eventually, though, we each outgrow this stage. We each come to realize that the segue between light and dark and the balance that exists between is a natural part of life. Likewise, the old and new, the good and bad, and the balance that is created by these seemingly dichotomous entities are all something that we eventually grow to accept.
My question is: when does this happen?
It is one thing to accept that monsters aren't hiding in the darkness under your bed, but when do we accept that our lives will ultimately turn out alright after all?
I feel like I'm still fearful of this--- still hiding under the blankets. I don't know if this has much to do with my current living and schooling situation, or if I'm somehow undermining myself.
When will I learn to accept the balance?
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Many good suggestions have come my way regarding this... and I think I'm most likely going to sit and come up with as comprehensive a list as possible of things I want to achieve sometime between now and a, yet unfixed, date. I need goals--- something to strive for. This seems to make the unknown a little more manageable. In the end, I have got to have faith in myself that I can accomplish these things. Sure, people are looking out for me, but I got to want to do it for myself and be the change that I seek.
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My friend today said: "Jeff, your job in my life is to figuratively prevent me from slipping the noose around my head and hanging myself."
We all need people to hold on to...
We are all afraid of the future in some capacity...
But sometimes all we need to do is stick our hand into the darkness. We may be surprised by who or what we find waiting there.
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| This week has been such a wonderful blessing.
My labmates (some of them, including my boss) were out of town this week, and work was SO much more relaxing. I didn't get much accomplished, honestly, though I have been working on a paper we are looking to get published, and I've been checking up to see when my substrates will arrive. But the atmosphere was so entirely different and so much more pleasant-- no arguing, no constant nagging, and no boss.
Given that it was a light week, I also took the time to some things for myself. The three of us who were still at work decided to start our own version of "biggest loser" in an attempt to see who could lose the most weight by the end of summer. Oddly (for me), I've taken to eating salads for lunch, and have gone hiking, to the gym, and exercised at home during most of this past week. And, even more oddly, it feels good. What the hell have I been doing all this time??
...right, consumed by school. Gotcha.
I've also put off some of the writing to do some spring/almost summer cleaning. So far, I've collected about 5 boxes to carry home with me this week, and have decided that my keyboard, stereo, and desk are coming as well. They simply won't fit in my new place. I've also filled about 5 trash bags worth of crap-- actual trash and a LOT of papers and things that I've amassed over the last year. I don't want to carry excess baggage around with me if I don't have to.
In the midst of that, I also got some time to go see Angels & Demons (MUCH MUCH better than the first), to spend time with my friends, to practice for my recital this weekend, and to get in touch (albeit my STUPID phone) with those I hadn't talked to in a good long while.
I'm excited for this week because it marks my recital, a nice vacation, time to write, my car getting fixed (thank GOD), getting a new phone, and, most importantly, spending quality time with my friends and family.
This semester, and year, really, have been so incredibly rough. And while there is still lingering apathy or sadness towards certain things, I feel like I managed to hang onto the cliff just long enough to be able to pull myself up and out of the gorge. I look forward to bigger and better things, to moving past some of the squabble and inconsequential facets life has been throwing me, and really taking ahold of my own life.
~Jeff | | |
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